


If Pike Were There

by TristinL



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fix-It of Sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 12:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12481420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TristinL/pseuds/TristinL
Summary: Scanlan died, and then he came back, and all was not as they'd hoped. The conversation that ensued is one of the more emotional in Vox Machina history, and while Pike was there in canon, Ashley was in New York. This is my take on what Pike might have said in the moment.





	If Pike Were There

Scanlan’s awakening didn’t go as any of them had hoped. He didn’t come back to them laughing, or even annoyed at their antics. He came back angry, and vitriolic, and as they tried to overcome the whiplash of emotions that this brought, he was diving deeper and deeper into a depressing spiral. Vex was nearing tears as she finally asked him, “What do you want us to do?”

“We traveled into the fucking nine hells to get Pike a set of armor. We went and battled a city of vampires so Percy could feel good about his name. We fought goliaths for Grog. We’ve traveled across planes of existence so you could fix your fucking daddy issues. But you’ve never done anything for me. Ever! You’ve never risked anything, you don’t know me, you don’t know anything about me. What’s my mother’s name? What’s her name? Easy question. Died in front of me. Killed by a goblin. Biggest part of my life,”

Pike listened. She always listened. Most of the time, she even understood – and what she understood now made her blood boil. Pike was not a big person. It had taken her years of focus and faith to learn to contain the force of her emotions within her small frame, and she did not let that effort fail her. She stood silent. Attended the stream of hurt pouring from Scanlan’s heart until, it seemed, he was empty. He threw a glare around the room, sharper than Vax’s daggers; his breath still ragged in a way that a distant part of Pike noted would harm his singing voice for a few days. No one said anything for a moment. “What’s her name?” Scanlan repeated, and it seemed to Pike that he was revving himself up again, readying more accusations to throw at his friends, his family, until they hurt as much as he did. She had heard enough. 

“What was your mother’s name?” Pike repeated, stepping away from the wall she’d been leaning on, “That’s what we have to know, the fact that will tell you that we love you, and care about you, and want you around?”

“You don’t know any-“ Scanlan tried to reply, but Pike cut him off.

“Well, Scanlan, none of us know her name. And do you want to know why?” She continued before he could speak, “It’s because you never told us. Hell, Scanlan, you’ve never even told us how old you are, and we’ve asked hundreds of times.” She took another step forward, putting herself between Scanlan and Grog, who was thinking very hard and starting to look like he might understand the situation, “We all have baggage, Scanlan. We all have pain, and not one of us had to be coerced into talking about it. We shared, because we’re family. Or we didn’t share,” at this she glanced at Percy. His eyes were red-rimmed but his hands were shaking in a way she knew meant fury, “and out of respect, and yes, love, we didn’t pry.”

“You think you love me? You think you respect me?” Scanlan gestured at the walls, at the nightgown he was dressed in, at the ropes that still hung from the headboard, at his daughter, unseen, out in the hallway.

Pike winced. It had been a little much, but- “It was a joke, Scanlan.” He glared at her. “And it hurt you, and we’re sorry, but we were just-“ She looked up again at Grog, his face grave with hurt, and her voice steadied, “We were just so happy you were back, and we went a little overboard.”

“A little?” Scanlan snorted, “You, of all people Pike,” pain flashed through his eyes and Pike remembered a letter, a plea to care for Kaylie, a line about only sharing the good stories about her old man, “should have known better. But none of you know me, I guess. I mean, Grog has Pike,” at this Grog’s frown deepened, “and Vax has Keyleth, Percy has Vex – but Scanlan has no one. And I had one chance at a real relationship with my daughter, and I feel like you’ve gone and fucked that up too, because none of you really know me-“

“Bullshit.” Pike slammed the word down like her mace, voice shaking with the impact, “That is utter Bullshit, Scanlan. We don’t know you?” She took a step forward, no longer backed up against Grog, but in Scanlan’s face, “We don’t care about you?” She looked him up and down. “You asked me to marry you, once,”

“That was a whim, it was-“

“You asked me,” Pike continued, paying no mind to the interruption, “to take care of your daughter for you if you died,” Scanlan stopped trying to respond as the words hit him, “to make sure she was safe, and cared for, and only ever knew the good parts of you.” Pike stopped long enough to ensure his attention, “You trusted me with your memory – but apparently I don’t know you. So I have one question for you, Scanlan Shorthalt,” her eyes held none of the calm they had come to rely on, “What was my mother’s name?” 

“You grew up with your Great-great-grandpa Wilhand,” Scanlan said.

“So, what? I didn’t have a mother then?” Scanlan didn’t reply. “Alright, fine. That’s not a fair question, I get it. I mean, I never talk about her, never mention that I remember her. There’s no reason for you to ask about her. So, what about this one,” her voice grew more biting with every word, “Why did I go to live with Wilhand?”

“Your parents died, so he took you in-“ Scanlan started, but it was Grog who interrupted him this time. 

“No, that’s not right. That’s not right, is it Pike?” 

“No, Grog, it’s not.”

“I thought not. You told me this, long time ago. I don’t,” and here he looked scared in a way many of them had never seen, “I’m sorry, Pike, I don’t remember what your mum’s name was, but-but I do remember that-“

“Grog, it’s ok,” Pike said quickly, breaking eye contact with Scanlan to look up at him, “I don’t need you to remember everything. I know you love me.” He nodded, and she nodded back. “And I know you know why Wilhand took me in, but the point here is that Scanlan doesn’t.” She turned to glare at Scanlan again, “Because he never asked.”

Scanlan puffed up at that, “No, I never asked, but I knew you had Grog! I knew-“ 

“No.” Pike said, sharp and unyielding, “You didn’t know, you assumed. Just like I assumed that you’d tell us about your mother if you needed to share. But fine, I’ll accept that somehow we were supposed to know all the facts about your sad backstory even though you never asked about ours. I’ll accept you don’t know about my past, because I never talked about it and you didn’t know it was important to me. One last question, Scanlan.” 

He waited, silent, for her to ask it. Her eyes calmed, shoulders lowered as she remembered how to breathe in her anger, breathe out her hurt. “Why do I follow Sarenrae?”

Scanlan blinked. He glanced around the room at everyone watching, and answered what he thought was an obvious question, “You- Because Wilhand did, because she’s the goddess of healing, and light. Because you’re _good_ , Pike.”

She didn’t respond for a long moment. Grog was biting his lip, brow furrowed, but he didn’t say anything this time, waiting for Pike. Finally, she said, softly, “Wrong.” Then she nodded, once, and took in a deep breath, “That’s wrong. He does follow her, and she is those things, but that’s not why I follow her. Grog?” She looked up at him, and made a smile appear so he’d know she wasn’t mad, “Do you remember?”

“It’s ‘cause-‘cause she’s the one who says we get second chances, right?” He looked so worried, face scrunched up with remembering a long-ago conversation, “And ‘cause you got one, and I got one, and so-so she was probably right, right?”

“That’s right, Grog.” Her eyes lowered before catching Scanlan's again, “So, tell me, Scanlan Shorthalt, do you know me? Do you care about me? You don’t know my mother’s name, or why my grandfather took me in, or why I follow my goddess – does that make me any less your friend?”

Scanlan’s eyes remained bright with hurt, “You never told me any of that, never even brought it up. Grog knows! It’s just like I said, you have Grog, and-and you all have each other, but none of you could tell me my mother’s name. I don’t have anyone, and that’s ok. I can take care of myself, but-“

“You don’t have to, Scanlan,” Vex finally broke in, moving forward to put a hand on Pike’s shoulder, “Nobody knew that any of this was going on. How many times have we asked you if you’re all right and you just laugh and joke? We can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s going on.” 

“I don’t need your help,” Scanlan said, quick and angry.

“Well apparently you do, darling” 

“He does, but he won’t ask for it,” Pike said, shaking her head, “because he believes what he said earlier. That he’s just a quick joke, or a song, or a warm place to sleep at night to us.” She looked at her friends – her family – and stood a little straighter. “Well, Scanlan, if knowing facts about a person proves you care for them, then maybe that’s true. But if you’re just a chicken dinner and a song to us, then I’m just a healing touch and a pair of tits to you.” 

He looked over at her, startled, “Pike, you know that’s not-“

“Yes,” her voice was bitter, “Yes, I know it’s not true. But if you’re going to claim that we don’t care about you, you can’t claim to care about us.” With that, she left the room, the sounds of her clanging armor echoing into the quiet space.

The last thing she heard as the door closed was Keyleth’s voice, hesitant, “Scanlan, do you think any of us could have gotten here without each other? I thought you knew that more than the rest of us. Maybe we just thought you didn’t need us as much as you felt like we didn’t.”

Pike made her way out of the castle, tears welling. Maybe the others could get him to come around. Her anger faded as the doubts crept in. Would he feel this way if she hadn’t spent so much time in Vasselheim? Would she have seen the signs if she’d been paying better attention? She could hear her mother’s voice in her ears, _Why are you so slow? You’ve always been a disappointment._ Her uncle Johann’s sly, _Well, we can’t all be winners, kid._ The face of JB, her big eyes fading into the distance as Pike abandoned her, taking her second chance in Wilhand’s offer. 

She arrived at the Temple to Sarenrae that now stood in a small corner of Whitestone. She stayed there a long time: apologizing, praying, willing her tears not to fall. 

That was where Grog found her, hours later. 

“Well. He left.” Grog said, sitting beside her, all tone gone from his voice.

“He’ll be back.” Pike replied, taking his giant hand in hers, “He’ll remember we love him.”

“Yeah.” Grog carefully squeezed her hand, “His mother’s name was Juniper.”

Pike looked up at the carving of The Everlight, Goddess of Second Chances, “I’ll remember that.”


End file.
